The Arrival...

Time flew very quickly. Days went by and Tucker's arrival was upon us. Looking back, I don't remember much about that time, only that it was one of the scariest times I can remember. At my last doctor's visit, my doctor and I had decided that due to a few circumstances we had discussed in the office that day, we would schedule an induction. I was still three weeks from my due date at this point. Therefore, we scheduled the induction for a week and a half later. After that appointment, the reality of bringing a new life into the world was starting to sink in and it was as if someone hit my panic button. People's reactions to major life changes are as different as their flavor of drink choice and I realize that, but my reaction to the reality of having a baby was anxiety. The thought of the induction itself did not weigh heavily on my mind, for this was the decision that I had made with the help of my doctor, a professional in the field of obstetrics and gynecology for 25 years now. More than trusting my doctor (because it's hard for me to trust just about anyone), I did trust God. I trusted that he had placed me exactly where he wanted me and that any step outside of that that I could take due to being perfectly human, his grace was there to cover because his blood had already been shed. However, the thought of self-inflicted pain did seem quite scarier to me than the thought of unannounced labor and delivery HA! As I said, this was a very anxious time for me. Thankfully, I had the best support system that God could have ever given to me and a whole crew at that: my husband, my mom, my best friends Brandi and Gina, Pam, Julie, and Susan stayed close and at my beck and call 24 hours a day. However, although I may not have gotten around to telling each of them this, they offered me much more than a constant ear and shoulder to lean on. They reminded me constantly of the love of my Savior, the precious blood he shed so that I coulf cast my anxiety upon him, and they spoke peace and rest into my spirit. Honestly, if it hadn't been for these people, I do not know what these last days would have held for me. I was under attack in so many areas and ways, which came as no surprise to me. Surely, if you've been following my blog, you have picked up on the fact that I came under attack years ago when I first began trying for this baby. I believe whole heartedly God's plan and purpose for this little one is huge because the mere thought of my little one arriving has shook the gates of Hell from day one. I believe very strongly in God the father, Jesus his only son who is seated at his right hand and came to shed his blood, bear my sin, in order that I may live everlasting life, and in the precious Holy Spirit who is constantly interceeding for me. However, with that said, I also believe that there is a very real enemy who is out to steal, kill, and destroy. In this case, he had been stealing my joy for years concerning this baby. As I continue to blog, you will see that the attacks were constantly thrown our way, even after Tucker's arrival in the hospital. My spirit had fallen under attack and a heap of emotions was now controlling me. My flesh said one thing, my spirit said another. My flesh was operating in fear, anxiety, and even anger at this certain time. My spirit however reminded me that God is perfect love and perfect love casts out all fear. That's what this crew of people did for me. They gathered around me, many of them laid hands on me in prayer daily (thank you Susan Milligan!) and prayed that I would know and see God's grace that would cover any area of motherhood that I would fall short in, because I as ALL mothers, WOULD inevitably fall short, and that I would experience a flood of peace that passes all understanding over the next few days as I waited for my miracle to arrive. These women reminded me and all of Hell's gates constantly over those final days that my baby was nothing short of a miracle, breathed by the very breath of God, and there would be nothing that could or was going to make this final leg in this journey anything less than glorious for me. They stood strong to resist the attacks being thrown my way. It didn't take long before I did posess that peace that passes all understanding and I began to feel an overwhelming sense of joy with the upcoming arrival of my baby boy. Then, on Tuesday, April 7, 2009, at 1:53 am Tucker Davis Smith arrived. We had arrived at the hospital 9 hours prior, on April 6, which happen to be the anniversary of Jeremy's mother's death (both relevant and irrelevant). I had gone into natural labor. It was a long 9 hours, however I do not remember much about them. I do remember the faces who came to support me during this time and to no surprise each one of my support crew were there. I've heard many people tell me that when they walked into the waiting room that night they were looking through a whole waiting room full of people trying to find "our people" when they soon realized that the whole waiting room was waiting for Tucker. The nurses told me that he was a lucky little guy to have so many people that loved him so. They were right, he was blessed, but I was blessed more. This was a whole crowd of people who loved us and wanted nothing more for their evening than to be with us during the most spectacular night of our life. Nothing could have made this night more perfect. Looking back, I'm not sure if each of them know how much better that made our night to have so many wait in anticipation for our baby just like we were. As I said, I don't remember much about those 9 hours, other than the overwhelming support and love I felt. When Tucker arrived he was greeted by several friends and family members who had stuck the whole night out. It was a picture perfect night. My hospital bed was surrounded by people waiting for me to introduce Tucker Davis to them. He was a tiny bundle of joy, weighin in at only 5 pounds and 9 ounces. He was red, wrinkly, and screaming at the top of his lungs but he was loved in that room more than he will ever know. This blog is about and for Tucker, so I will not ramble on and on about me and my learning experiences during this time although I have been encouraged to blog my journey as well as encouragement for the many women strugling with infertility. However, I do want to say that this time in my life was the most spiritual growth I have ever experienced. I am clearly, I assure you, far from perfection. However, I have never been more certain of God's over abounding love and grace. This time in my life was when God's love became tangible to me. Maybe for far too long I had focused primarily on rules for Christianity. But, the journey through infertility, pregnancy, and the birth of my miracle, led me to discover the incredible, tangible love of the Father God. This is when "love came down on me." I recently heard someone ask "When did love come down on you?" when refering to when you first experienced God's love. Looking back it seems strange that I say it was during this time in my life seeing as how I am 26 years old and have been raised to know and love the Lord my entire life. My parents did a wonderful job brining me up in the ways of the Lord and instilling in me the hope for eternal life, God's salvation, his grace and mercy and everlasting love. I truly did know that God loved me. I NEVER doubted that, let me make myself clear. I did KNOW he loved me. However, I just recently got the biggest revelation of my entire life: Knowing that God loved me and knowing the time when his "love came down" on me and became tangible to me is two totally different things. I finally knew that no matter how hard I tried to be perfect, I would always be human and no matter how human I was there would always be a grace that would remain sufficient for me in my life. I could look at my miracle in my arms and know that I have done everything wrong. I have made more mistakes than steps I've taken in life. I can look in my angel's face and know that my flesh will never be good enough to deserve this. I, nor you, not anybody deserves to hold something so precious and pure. But, praise God, a Savior came and changed everything. Jesus came as love to this earth, as the sacrificial lamb so that I don't have to be perfect. He knew from the beginning that I would fall short and yet God's plan for my life remains the same. Lindell Cooley, one of my FAVORITE worship leaders of all times (you may know him from the Pensacola outpouring/Brownsville Revival) wrote one of my favorite songs and this song preaches my feelings better than I can write them so I'll share:

Everbody's got a story. Everybody's got a song.
Every one's a little different, but we all went wrong.
Then a Savior came and He took the blame and changed everything.

I could sing about His forgiveness.
I could praise Him til the sun goes down.
I could say that "I am a witness" I WAS THERE WHEN HIS LOVE CAME DOWN!!!
Love came down on me.
Love came down on me.

Love broke through my darkness, now I can finally see.
He paid the price for my freedom, NO MORE CHAINS ON ME!!!
Since the Savior came, and He took the blame and changed everything.
Since the Savior came, and He took the blame and CHANGED EVERYTHING!

This was the beginning for me of the most wonderful journey I have ever been on.