Changes...

Time keeps flying by... Each time I pick Tucker up from a nap, I swear he's gotten bigger! Tucker had his four month shots two weeks ago. The shots were painful (for me) as always. Dr. Williams  says he's developing wonderfully. He is still very small, only weighing 9 pounds, 8 ounces. Although she says she is not concerned about his small stature at all, I informed her that we were having some feeding problems and she said she'd like to see us back in two weeks (today). Over the last two weeks, because of our feeding problems, I put Tucker on formula. I had mixed emotions about doing so, but now that I have done it, I know it is what is best for him. I always said that I would only nurse as long as it was what was best for my baby. So, when it wasn't what was best anymore, I knew I had to give it up. Thankfully, Tucker has done fairly well adjusting to the bottle. 

This has been my last full week before returning to work. I have my moments of sadness where I just don't know how I'm going to be away from him during the day. Thankfully, Tucker will be staying with my very best friend, Brandi, who is an amazing person. Brandi will love him and kiss him and hold him and tell him how much his mommy loves him every day. I'm much more worried about me than I am about him. Returning to work was a difficult decision to make. In the end, I know that my return to work is what is best for us as a family. It has been the hardest decision I've ever had to make because it feels like there isn't a "right" choice. Because I'm returning to work soon, I've spent time this week printing all our digital photos of Tucker out and working with my dear friend Susan on Tucker's scrapbooks. As I look back through pictures of the last four months I cannot believe the time has gone by so quickly and that my tiny baby is growing into a little boy. As each stage of his growth and development ends and a new one begins, I have found it bittersweet. There are things I've been happy to see go (such as the two weeks of refusing to sleep anywhere besides my bed) and plenty of things I've been sad to say "goodbye" to (such as nursing). However, as each stage ends, a new one begins and Tucker amazes me with something new. He's recently learned to roll from his back to his stomach! He has also learned that he can make his voice go really loud and it will get everyone's attention! However, by far my favorite thing he is doing right now is learning to take his pacifier in and out of his mouth. When it's in, he has no trouble finding it to take it out. However, when he takes it out, he sticks it in a thousand places on his face before finding his mouth LOL! It's the best thing I get to watch all day! I love it! I never thought that something that simple would warm my heart and entertain me so much. 

We are headed to the doctor in a little while. Hopefully, Tucker has grown a lot in the last two weeks. He's also been on reflux medicine because his doctor thinks he may have some reflux because of his stuffy nose. However, it doesn't seem to have made much of a difference so we'll see what she has to say about that as well today. After Tucker's appointment, he is going to stay at Brandi's house for a little while and my mother and I are going to go to my classroom to finish up there so I will be away from Tucker for most of the day today. Tonight, as every Friday night, is Tucker's night to stay with my mom and dad (Nonnie and Poppie) so I will be missing my little boo tonight. 

The last 15 weeks...

So... I need to catch up here quickly... Over the last 15 weeks my life has done a complete 180! Funny thing is, I can't remember life before my precious angel came to me. Tucker is the first thing I think about every morning and the last thing I think about each night. He's on my mind all day every day and his every need and want is constantly running through my mind. He has had three doctor's appointments in the last 15 weeks and many weight checks. 

Weight Checks:

4/7/09: 5.9

4/8/09: 5.4

4/10/09: 5.10

4/17/09: 6.0

4/24/09 (this was my actual due date): 6.6 (looks like he would have been a small baby anyway)

5/08/09: 6.8

5/15/09: 7.6 (WOW! big jump!)

5/22/09: 7.13

6/10/09: 8.0

6/28/09: 8.8

Tucker had his two month appointment on 6/10/09 and his shots :( I absolutely hated that little scream he let out. Dr. Williams is Tucker's pediatrician and she assured me that although Tucker is small, he's probably always going to be small, he is doing very well and is a strong and healthy baby boy. 

In the last two months, Tucker is talking (well if you can call it that) a lot! He loves to lay on his back and play with his favorite toys which include a clear beach ball with a yellow jingle ball trapped inside, a rattle, a mirror, and a Fisher Price play gym that he loves to lay and play on. He has a Baby Einstein Musical Jumparoo that I can't wait to get down and put him in when he's big enough. He also LOVES Elmer the Elephant that his daddy had made for him at Build A Bear the day he was born. Jeremy's mother loved Elephants and so Elmer is going to be quite special in our house. He loves his Larry Lion that he likes to rub between his fingers and also his white crochet blanket made by his great-great Aunt Janice. This week Tucker has learned to roll over on one side. He gets extremely frustrated by this because once he's on his side he isn't sure how to get back to his back! LOL! 

This week I have plans to work on Tucker's scrapbook made by his Aunt Bethy. I'm going back to work soon (I'll blog about that later) and I would like to have his scrapbooks finished when I go back. We'll see how far on those I can get! Tucker is an excellent baby... very laid back... loving... sweet.... but he's also very very very very SPOILED! He demands quite a bit of attention!

The Arrival...

Time flew very quickly. Days went by and Tucker's arrival was upon us. Looking back, I don't remember much about that time, only that it was one of the scariest times I can remember. At my last doctor's visit, my doctor and I had decided that due to a few circumstances we had discussed in the office that day, we would schedule an induction. I was still three weeks from my due date at this point. Therefore, we scheduled the induction for a week and a half later. After that appointment, the reality of bringing a new life into the world was starting to sink in and it was as if someone hit my panic button. People's reactions to major life changes are as different as their flavor of drink choice and I realize that, but my reaction to the reality of having a baby was anxiety. The thought of the induction itself did not weigh heavily on my mind, for this was the decision that I had made with the help of my doctor, a professional in the field of obstetrics and gynecology for 25 years now. More than trusting my doctor (because it's hard for me to trust just about anyone), I did trust God. I trusted that he had placed me exactly where he wanted me and that any step outside of that that I could take due to being perfectly human, his grace was there to cover because his blood had already been shed. However, the thought of self-inflicted pain did seem quite scarier to me than the thought of unannounced labor and delivery HA! As I said, this was a very anxious time for me. Thankfully, I had the best support system that God could have ever given to me and a whole crew at that: my husband, my mom, my best friends Brandi and Gina, Pam, Julie, and Susan stayed close and at my beck and call 24 hours a day. However, although I may not have gotten around to telling each of them this, they offered me much more than a constant ear and shoulder to lean on. They reminded me constantly of the love of my Savior, the precious blood he shed so that I coulf cast my anxiety upon him, and they spoke peace and rest into my spirit. Honestly, if it hadn't been for these people, I do not know what these last days would have held for me. I was under attack in so many areas and ways, which came as no surprise to me. Surely, if you've been following my blog, you have picked up on the fact that I came under attack years ago when I first began trying for this baby. I believe whole heartedly God's plan and purpose for this little one is huge because the mere thought of my little one arriving has shook the gates of Hell from day one. I believe very strongly in God the father, Jesus his only son who is seated at his right hand and came to shed his blood, bear my sin, in order that I may live everlasting life, and in the precious Holy Spirit who is constantly interceeding for me. However, with that said, I also believe that there is a very real enemy who is out to steal, kill, and destroy. In this case, he had been stealing my joy for years concerning this baby. As I continue to blog, you will see that the attacks were constantly thrown our way, even after Tucker's arrival in the hospital. My spirit had fallen under attack and a heap of emotions was now controlling me. My flesh said one thing, my spirit said another. My flesh was operating in fear, anxiety, and even anger at this certain time. My spirit however reminded me that God is perfect love and perfect love casts out all fear. That's what this crew of people did for me. They gathered around me, many of them laid hands on me in prayer daily (thank you Susan Milligan!) and prayed that I would know and see God's grace that would cover any area of motherhood that I would fall short in, because I as ALL mothers, WOULD inevitably fall short, and that I would experience a flood of peace that passes all understanding over the next few days as I waited for my miracle to arrive. These women reminded me and all of Hell's gates constantly over those final days that my baby was nothing short of a miracle, breathed by the very breath of God, and there would be nothing that could or was going to make this final leg in this journey anything less than glorious for me. They stood strong to resist the attacks being thrown my way. It didn't take long before I did posess that peace that passes all understanding and I began to feel an overwhelming sense of joy with the upcoming arrival of my baby boy. Then, on Tuesday, April 7, 2009, at 1:53 am Tucker Davis Smith arrived. We had arrived at the hospital 9 hours prior, on April 6, which happen to be the anniversary of Jeremy's mother's death (both relevant and irrelevant). I had gone into natural labor. It was a long 9 hours, however I do not remember much about them. I do remember the faces who came to support me during this time and to no surprise each one of my support crew were there. I've heard many people tell me that when they walked into the waiting room that night they were looking through a whole waiting room full of people trying to find "our people" when they soon realized that the whole waiting room was waiting for Tucker. The nurses told me that he was a lucky little guy to have so many people that loved him so. They were right, he was blessed, but I was blessed more. This was a whole crowd of people who loved us and wanted nothing more for their evening than to be with us during the most spectacular night of our life. Nothing could have made this night more perfect. Looking back, I'm not sure if each of them know how much better that made our night to have so many wait in anticipation for our baby just like we were. As I said, I don't remember much about those 9 hours, other than the overwhelming support and love I felt. When Tucker arrived he was greeted by several friends and family members who had stuck the whole night out. It was a picture perfect night. My hospital bed was surrounded by people waiting for me to introduce Tucker Davis to them. He was a tiny bundle of joy, weighin in at only 5 pounds and 9 ounces. He was red, wrinkly, and screaming at the top of his lungs but he was loved in that room more than he will ever know. This blog is about and for Tucker, so I will not ramble on and on about me and my learning experiences during this time although I have been encouraged to blog my journey as well as encouragement for the many women strugling with infertility. However, I do want to say that this time in my life was the most spiritual growth I have ever experienced. I am clearly, I assure you, far from perfection. However, I have never been more certain of God's over abounding love and grace. This time in my life was when God's love became tangible to me. Maybe for far too long I had focused primarily on rules for Christianity. But, the journey through infertility, pregnancy, and the birth of my miracle, led me to discover the incredible, tangible love of the Father God. This is when "love came down on me." I recently heard someone ask "When did love come down on you?" when refering to when you first experienced God's love. Looking back it seems strange that I say it was during this time in my life seeing as how I am 26 years old and have been raised to know and love the Lord my entire life. My parents did a wonderful job brining me up in the ways of the Lord and instilling in me the hope for eternal life, God's salvation, his grace and mercy and everlasting love. I truly did know that God loved me. I NEVER doubted that, let me make myself clear. I did KNOW he loved me. However, I just recently got the biggest revelation of my entire life: Knowing that God loved me and knowing the time when his "love came down" on me and became tangible to me is two totally different things. I finally knew that no matter how hard I tried to be perfect, I would always be human and no matter how human I was there would always be a grace that would remain sufficient for me in my life. I could look at my miracle in my arms and know that I have done everything wrong. I have made more mistakes than steps I've taken in life. I can look in my angel's face and know that my flesh will never be good enough to deserve this. I, nor you, not anybody deserves to hold something so precious and pure. But, praise God, a Savior came and changed everything. Jesus came as love to this earth, as the sacrificial lamb so that I don't have to be perfect. He knew from the beginning that I would fall short and yet God's plan for my life remains the same. Lindell Cooley, one of my FAVORITE worship leaders of all times (you may know him from the Pensacola outpouring/Brownsville Revival) wrote one of my favorite songs and this song preaches my feelings better than I can write them so I'll share:

Everbody's got a story. Everybody's got a song.
Every one's a little different, but we all went wrong.
Then a Savior came and He took the blame and changed everything.

I could sing about His forgiveness.
I could praise Him til the sun goes down.
I could say that "I am a witness" I WAS THERE WHEN HIS LOVE CAME DOWN!!!
Love came down on me.
Love came down on me.

Love broke through my darkness, now I can finally see.
He paid the price for my freedom, NO MORE CHAINS ON ME!!!
Since the Savior came, and He took the blame and changed everything.
Since the Savior came, and He took the blame and CHANGED EVERYTHING!

This was the beginning for me of the most wonderful journey I have ever been on.

1. God is who he says he is. 2. God can do what he says he can do.

Jeremy and I were so excited about our newly discovered pregnancy. We couldn't believe that our infertility journey had ended and our life as parents had just begun. I immediately called to schedule my first doctor's appointment with Dr. Ken Taylor who I have been seeing for several years. Our first appointment was on August 25, 2008. We couldn't be any more excited as we walked into the office that day. Dr. Taylor came in and we answered tons of questions, I gave blood, and urine and he examined everything he needed to examine. Then he asked the question we had been waiting for... "Would you like to see your baby's heartbeat?" OF COURSE we would! We had been waiting to see that little heart beat for years! This would make this dream a reality... we couldn't wait! It wasn't long before they had us back in the ultrasound room and had me hooked up to the ultrasound machine. The radiologist waited a few minutes as she took a closer look and told me that the doctor must have the dates wrong because the baby's heart wasn't beating yet. She said this was perfectly okay for a fetus that was as young as she was measuring. I swallowed the lump in my throat and my heart began beating again. Whew! The baby was okay, just younger than the doctor had thought. When we walked out of the room the nurse directed us back into the doctor's office. She said he wanted to speak with us before we left. He closed the door as he entered his office and he told us that in a "normal" woman, this ultrasound would look perfectly normal. He said that he would chalk it up to the fact that he just didn't have the dates right and this was a younger fetus than he had thought. However, the dates weren't wrong because I was on fertility medications. They had to be right because he had them written in the charts. He told me that this happened in about one out of every five pregnancies and especially in first pregnancies. The baby just stops developing a few weeks into the pregnancy and the heart stops beating. I remember the room spinning and me feeling as if I was going to throw up all over his desk. How could life go from such a high to an immediate lowest of lows? I was a wreck... completely heartbroken. I wanted the pain of the last couple of years to be over so bad... I wanted to move on with our lives, our plan so much. I began to cry uncontrollably and in fact, couldn't even drive myself home. However, between the doctor's office and home I put myself back together again. I called my mom and my best friend and they called everybody they could think of that would pray and believe God to breath life into this baby. I called our friend Paul, because I needed to speak with someone who would understand the anger and sadness I was feeling when I thought about this baby being taken away from me. We were very careful about who we told what during this time. We only wanted those to know whom we knew would spend serious time in prayer for us and no time speaking negative things over us or offering advice because we didn't need advice we needed a miracle. We were quickly overwhelmed by the response we received from our friends and family and even people that were friends of our friends and family. People truly began to seek the face of God for us and believe God for a miracle to occur. The amazing thing was that the more these people prayed and believed, the stronger I felt and the more I believed. To this day, I continue to thank people for their prayers and their faith because it got me through that terrible time. The doctor said we would wait three days and take my HCG levels to see if they are dropping as they should be with a miscarriage. Then, we would do a second ultrasound to make sure that there was no heartbeat before discussing what to do next. The mere thought of going through more pain and loss haunted me. It was the longest three days of my life. So, three days went by and I had my blood drawn first thing that morning. By that afternoon the results were in... DOUBLED! My HCG levels had DOUBLED! This was a great sign! However, Dr. Taylor took the phone from the nurse who was giving me my results and told me that I still wasn't out of the woods. He wanted a second ultrasound in two weeks. Two weeks went by incredibly slowly but it gave me two weeks of the most spiritual growth I've ever had. I fell in love my savior again during these two weeks. I began to know that 1. God is who he says he is. 2. God can do what he says he can do. The morning of our scheduled ultrasound my husband and my mother accompanied me. It seemed like the clock seconds ticked by so slowly as I sat in the waiting room and listened to the nurses whisper "that's the girl whose baby's heart stopped beating." I felt hot all over and tears come to my eyes, but I quickly fought them back and whispered "You are who you say you are and you can do what you say you can do." Soon we were back in the ultrasound room, I was hooked up, and the tech turned the lights down. I waited, and my heart pounded in my chest as she turned the monitor toward me and said "Do you see that little blinking Christmas light? That's your baby." Lots of tears of joy followed. I remember very clearly the text message that I sent out to many of our closest friends who had been standing in prayer all morning long... it read: "We just saw our beautiful, healthy, whole baby with a perfectly beating heart.!" 

The plan...

Jeremy and I have been married for six years now (well, on October 25, 2009). Probably the most unique thing about us is that we are the "super planners" of the decade We plan for absolutely EVERYTHING! We never make any quick decisions. For instance, we recently bought a new vehicle after test driving it for over a year! Therefore, it was no surprise to those close to us that we had a clear cut plan in place for how our life would go even six years ago. We would get married, finish school, begin our careers, travel to a few popular vacation destinations, build a house to sell so that we can one day soon build our dream house, and then begin a family. Well, things seemed to be going according to the plan so we couldn't be happier. I graduated from college on May 5, 2007,  and we left the next morning for Walt Disney World (whole new blog because WOW! You haven't lived until you've been to Disney World!) I got my first teaching job two weeks later, we moved into our newly built home 60 days later, and over the next few months traveled to many more vacation destination sites. It seemed there was only one thing left to do: start our family. Little did we know, this would not be an easy task. Without going into the whole very painful journey, let me just say that it seemed that I had a major hormonal imbalance that made it impossible for me to conceive... and the only cure... getting pregnant! Many many months went by and I faced failure day after day after day. In my mind, I had failed as a wife, as a friend, as a daughter, even as a Christian because I was unable to mother. This truly was the most painful time in my life. However, I did know this one truth: 1. God is who he says he is. 2. God can do what he says he can do. So, with the help of my mother and my best friend I began believing God that He was bigger than any label I had been given. I began to wake every morning and go to sleep every night by thanking God for the baby that he had to bless Jeremy and me with. I don't want this to sound as if I was always confident and that my hurt just decided to go away. Believe me, many of these times it was all I could do to pray to God... in fact, many times, in the same breath I would ask God what it was that I could have possibly done that was so wrong. It was a very sad time. We worked with a wonderful doctor (who I'll mention later) and began a very long journey of fertility medications. One year went by before we knew it and we still weren't pregnant so we did what anybody would do... we went on a CRUISE! YEP! We decided that the year had been long, hard, sadder than ANYBODY around us even knew (I put on a very good show), and we were tired. So we called up Royal Caribbean and to the Western Caribbean we went! It was a beautiful trip and we had a ton of fun. We went dancing all night, played the casinos, were waited on hand and foot, laid on beautiful beaches, smelled the wonderful smell of ocean water, and ate fabulous food! That week went by very quickly and far too soon it was time to return to reality (the only thing I've found wrong with vacationing). When we got back, I was very busy planning for the upcoming school year and preparing my classroom. I only had a couple of weeks before school started and I had a ton to do, as all school teachers do two weeks before school begins. I started to feel very tired and just "not right" all the way around but I really chalked it up to all the stress of the upcoming school year and all the work I had been doing to prepare. When school began and I still wasn't feeling well Jeremy insisted that I take a home pregnancy test. I argued with him for a while about it because we had wasted so much money on those stupid things over the course of the last couple of years and the disappointment of a negative pregnancy test time and time again was a constant reminder of what a failure I was. BUT, I agreed to take the test to put his mind at ease. Jeremy bought three tests that night and brought them home. He asked me to wait until first thing in the morning because he heard that the results were most accurate then. However, if you know me, you know that patience is not my strong suite. So I did what any pregnant woman in denial would do and I TOOK THE TEST! ALL THREE OF THEM ACTUALLY! Yep! PREGGO! It was the most beautiful + sign I had ever seen (all three of them LOL)! This began our journey to meeting our angel. Little did we know, the hard part wasn't over... it hadn't even begun. We were about to walk through the most difficult time of our lives, yes even more difficult than infertility.

Deciding to Blog...

As I was reading "Polar Bear Polar Bear What Do You Hear" and holding my whole life in my arms tonight, I realized that my beautiful, most perfect baby boy was growing up when wasn't it just yesterday that we first met? Actually, it was almost three whole months ago! I have been told by every mother "Don't blink because it goes by way too fast!" So many times I've stopped and thought to myself "No way, it will take a long time for something this tiny to grow up big and strong!" Well, tonight I realized that I've only blinked like half a time and my baby is changing every second of every day. I began thinking about all the ways in which I can savor every moment and not look back with the regret of having only what I can rely on my brain to remember because let's face it: "new mommy" brains do not work very well sometimes! Now, I am a writer (or at least a writing teacher) and I have always enjoyed documenting my life during certain periods of time. It brings me a lot of joy to go back and read, even now, my childhood diaries, letters, even old e-mails. Because my lil' man is growing so quickly and changes by the second, I decided that documenting, or journaling our journey through parenthood and Tucker's growth would be a nice keepsake for me and in years to come would make for excellent conversations at the dinner table and walks down memory lane. Enter Blogging! I decided to go completely 2009 and blog about my baby's life instead of finding time to first, locate a pen or pencil in my house and second, sit down and document things during the day. So... we'll see how this goes!